I am so aligned with this and with your work. Maybe we could do something together? Like a podcast interview (once I get one going?) I’d love to discuss all these themes in more detail!
Wow! I loved this. As someone who also served in ministries that were run by control and abuse, I really appreciate what you wrote. Thank you for sharing these hard parts of your journey. Your writing brings a lot of encouragement and hope that we're not alone!
We are not alone! One of the key components of the research from healing from the shame of religious trauma is connecting and experiencing our shared humanity. As much as high-control leaders would like us to believe, we truly are not alone in our experiences and we can heal together.
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about why my brain works the way that it does. I am obsessed with introspection. I question my every thought, every action. Every held belief whether it’s political, philosophical, whatever, I interrogate like I’m Donald Sutherland. It gets gnarly, but generally speaking it’s had a net positive on my life.
I use to attribute that to my upbringing. Eight organized sermons a week between church and school. All reinforcing the same brand of scripture infallibility. When you realize it’s all horseshit, you tend to look under other rocks.
But, I’ve always been inquisitive. I never really believed Jesus was the son of God literally. I was taught a nonsense version of evolution, but that still made more sense than “God did it”.
So yeah, I can’t even give the church credit for my inquisitive nature. It was always there. It was just repressed by fear, shame, and physical violence.
Thank you for sharing with compassion and vulnerability. I feel the same way toward my inner world - a natural curiosity about the environment, culture, practices, and the other. I love my work as a chaplain because it fuels my curiosity about how others make meaning of the world around them.
In my experience, the church doesn’t want to foster curiosity, they want certainty. That requires a closed mind.
My research has led me to believe there is a lot of harm in these spaces and while I’ve personally benefited from the communities, i find a deeper sense of meaning and peace now that I’m not “in church” any more.
I discovered your work recently -- today in fact. You seem like a very deep-thinking, deep-feeling person with a conscience. I respect that a great deal.
My interest in religious trauma comes via a circuitous route: certain wretched experiences with psychiatry alerted me to the fact that the mental health system often rearticulates and perpetuates the very narcissistic abuse and cult-like dynamics of patients' families of origin.
While I am certainly no knee-jerk anti-medication, antipsychiatry zealot, I am extremely critical of the frequently groupthink, totalistic nature of the field.
Malevolence doesn't usually reveal itself, it often hides behind a smokescreen of virtue signaling and moral superiority. Anyway, I saw clear parallels in this area with the anguish individuals undergo with religious trauma, when compassion is exposed as malignancy.
The irony in all this is I know very little about Christianity. In fact, growing up, I was actively hostile towards it. Yet I have always been a very spiritual person, even in the years I buried it with nihilism and cynicism.
A number of years ago, after recovering from a severe bout of clinical depression, I kept having dreams about rows of crucifixes. I thought that was very strange for someone ostensibly not that interested in Christianity. But I looked into the faith and developed a real love of Jesus and what he embodies. From there I got interested in St John of the Cross, Theresa of Avila, Julian of Norwich.
I don't identify as Christian. More of a John Coltrane-type religious pluralism and universalism, but I'm glad I transitioned from my previous negative attitude towards the faith.
Thanks for sharing on a religious trauma…I see more of this in my work too. —“The tradition I was raised in wouldn’t allow my nervous system to rest. And that is the root of religious trauma. “
I work with a lot of pastors and performance-based religion is so pervasive. Embracing contemplative practices have been so helpful to me and I try to teach them to the people I work with…
ooooofff. Thank you for doing this important and meaningful work. In my own experience, I wasn’t given the tools I needed to cope, regulate my nervous system, or celebrate my humanity.
I imagine there is a fair amount of resistance in this demographic to embracing anything outside of the rigid tradition and rituals. In my work with this demographic, I like to lean on the Psalm that speaks to how people are fearfully and wonderfully made which then lends itself to incorporating these practices.
A script I use in the hospital with patients is, “I know this simple technique that has been proven to help people manage and even relieve [insert thing, pain, anxiety, etc}. I can walk you through it if you are open to it.”
It’s pervasive. My therapist and I talk often about the many facets this shows up. And worse, the religious traditions I grew up in didn’t give us the tools to help regulate our nervous systems.
Thanks for reading! I used to be complicit in systems like this (and taught sacred texts as an adjunct for like 10 years) and now offering my part toward the undoing of religious and spiritual harm.
I’m glad to read this from you. Thank You. And knowing I am still processing stuff here in TN I found I had to depart from my first church home (I chose) because I knew immediately (in my gut and restless/sleepless nights) something was wrong and I didn’t want to play the “making excuses” (for the abuse/abuser) game as I learned to do as a child of trauma. No more! Healing is ongoing.
Colleen!! Wow! It is so good to hear from you! I am so encouraged to hear you were listening to the wisdom in your body that was alerting you to danger. One of the challenges with evangelical theology is that it purposefully encourages us NOT to listen to our body and try to mute the our inner sources of peace in exchange for external anxiety and somehow baptizes that as "holy?" like what the actual eff!? Healing is a journey and I'm glad to be there with you!
I am so aligned with this and with your work. Maybe we could do something together? Like a podcast interview (once I get one going?) I’d love to discuss all these themes in more detail!
That sounds lovely!
Wow! I loved this. As someone who also served in ministries that were run by control and abuse, I really appreciate what you wrote. Thank you for sharing these hard parts of your journey. Your writing brings a lot of encouragement and hope that we're not alone!
We are not alone! One of the key components of the research from healing from the shame of religious trauma is connecting and experiencing our shared humanity. As much as high-control leaders would like us to believe, we truly are not alone in our experiences and we can heal together.
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about why my brain works the way that it does. I am obsessed with introspection. I question my every thought, every action. Every held belief whether it’s political, philosophical, whatever, I interrogate like I’m Donald Sutherland. It gets gnarly, but generally speaking it’s had a net positive on my life.
I use to attribute that to my upbringing. Eight organized sermons a week between church and school. All reinforcing the same brand of scripture infallibility. When you realize it’s all horseshit, you tend to look under other rocks.
But, I’ve always been inquisitive. I never really believed Jesus was the son of God literally. I was taught a nonsense version of evolution, but that still made more sense than “God did it”.
So yeah, I can’t even give the church credit for my inquisitive nature. It was always there. It was just repressed by fear, shame, and physical violence.
Thank you for sharing with compassion and vulnerability. I feel the same way toward my inner world - a natural curiosity about the environment, culture, practices, and the other. I love my work as a chaplain because it fuels my curiosity about how others make meaning of the world around them.
In my experience, the church doesn’t want to foster curiosity, they want certainty. That requires a closed mind.
My research has led me to believe there is a lot of harm in these spaces and while I’ve personally benefited from the communities, i find a deeper sense of meaning and peace now that I’m not “in church” any more.
I discovered your work recently -- today in fact. You seem like a very deep-thinking, deep-feeling person with a conscience. I respect that a great deal.
My interest in religious trauma comes via a circuitous route: certain wretched experiences with psychiatry alerted me to the fact that the mental health system often rearticulates and perpetuates the very narcissistic abuse and cult-like dynamics of patients' families of origin.
While I am certainly no knee-jerk anti-medication, antipsychiatry zealot, I am extremely critical of the frequently groupthink, totalistic nature of the field.
Malevolence doesn't usually reveal itself, it often hides behind a smokescreen of virtue signaling and moral superiority. Anyway, I saw clear parallels in this area with the anguish individuals undergo with religious trauma, when compassion is exposed as malignancy.
The irony in all this is I know very little about Christianity. In fact, growing up, I was actively hostile towards it. Yet I have always been a very spiritual person, even in the years I buried it with nihilism and cynicism.
A number of years ago, after recovering from a severe bout of clinical depression, I kept having dreams about rows of crucifixes. I thought that was very strange for someone ostensibly not that interested in Christianity. But I looked into the faith and developed a real love of Jesus and what he embodies. From there I got interested in St John of the Cross, Theresa of Avila, Julian of Norwich.
I don't identify as Christian. More of a John Coltrane-type religious pluralism and universalism, but I'm glad I transitioned from my previous negative attitude towards the faith.
Thanks for sharing on a religious trauma…I see more of this in my work too. —“The tradition I was raised in wouldn’t allow my nervous system to rest. And that is the root of religious trauma. “
I work with a lot of pastors and performance-based religion is so pervasive. Embracing contemplative practices have been so helpful to me and I try to teach them to the people I work with…
ooooofff. Thank you for doing this important and meaningful work. In my own experience, I wasn’t given the tools I needed to cope, regulate my nervous system, or celebrate my humanity.
I imagine there is a fair amount of resistance in this demographic to embracing anything outside of the rigid tradition and rituals. In my work with this demographic, I like to lean on the Psalm that speaks to how people are fearfully and wonderfully made which then lends itself to incorporating these practices.
A script I use in the hospital with patients is, “I know this simple technique that has been proven to help people manage and even relieve [insert thing, pain, anxiety, etc}. I can walk you through it if you are open to it.”
It’s pervasive. My therapist and I talk often about the many facets this shows up. And worse, the religious traditions I grew up in didn’t give us the tools to help regulate our nervous systems.
Andrew, you write about an interesting topic!
Thanks for reading! I used to be complicit in systems like this (and taught sacred texts as an adjunct for like 10 years) and now offering my part toward the undoing of religious and spiritual harm.
I’m glad to read this from you. Thank You. And knowing I am still processing stuff here in TN I found I had to depart from my first church home (I chose) because I knew immediately (in my gut and restless/sleepless nights) something was wrong and I didn’t want to play the “making excuses” (for the abuse/abuser) game as I learned to do as a child of trauma. No more! Healing is ongoing.
Colleen!! Wow! It is so good to hear from you! I am so encouraged to hear you were listening to the wisdom in your body that was alerting you to danger. One of the challenges with evangelical theology is that it purposefully encourages us NOT to listen to our body and try to mute the our inner sources of peace in exchange for external anxiety and somehow baptizes that as "holy?" like what the actual eff!? Healing is a journey and I'm glad to be there with you!
This was very brave.
❤️❤️❤️ I’ve learned for myself that we cant be brave without also being afraid - i’m glad to hear this work resonates with you :)