The Real Harm of Spiritual Abuse
A Violation of Your Dignity
Trigger and Content Warning: Descriptions of Harmful Theological Ideologies
Let’s start with a revolutionary, and maybe even terrifying, idea: Trust yourself.
If you’re a survivor of high-control religious systems, that phrase isn’t just advice; it’s an act of rebellion.
And its time to be a rebel.
You were taught, explicitly, that your heart was deceitful.
That your own understanding couldn’t be trusted.
That the most dangerous thing you could possibly do is to rely on your intuition.
So when you begin to consider it now: the radical notion that you can trust yourself, it might feel less like relief and more like an exhausting internal battle.
If you know that feeling, you are not alone. And you are not broken.
The deep, lingering pain of spiritual abuse isn’t random.
It’s not a sign of your failure or lack of faith.
It’s the predictable outcome of a system that methodically undermines the very essence of who you are.
I call this a dignity violation.
I describe dignity as an inherent and permanent quality of goodness that is deserving of:
love,
agency,
respect, and;
consent.
It is not something that is earned or added on. It is yours simply because you are.
High-control systems, by their very nature, function by violating these core pillars of your personhood.
Understanding this is the first step toward reclaiming yourself.
Spiritual Abuse as a Systematic Dignity Violation
The problem isn’t just a flawed belief; it’s that the system itself is often built to attempt to dismantle your dignity, piece by piece.
Your Agency was deemed corrupt. Agency is the freedom to choose. Yet, you may have been taught that you “have no choice but to be in opposition to god from birth.” This harmful ideology strips you of any belief in your own positive decision-making right from the start. It grants unchecked authority to leaders and reframes your personal “yes” or “no” as an act of rebellion against god, not just a boundary with a person.
Love was performative, not unconditional. You were promised “unconditional love,” but true love, the kind that creates safety, requires boundaries. That’s the whole point of vows or mutual commitments. In high-control contexts, this idea gets co-opted. Love and belonging become a reward for performance and compromise. You were loved if you believed the right things, behaved the right way, and stayed compliant. This turns love from a source of safety into a tool of control.
You were shown profound disrespect. Your inner world was not honored. Sermons and teachings often used belittling and dehumanizing language. This wasn’t just for outsiders, but for you. Your doubts were muted. Your questions were evidence of arrogance. Your personal experiences were dismissed if they didn’t align with the approved doctrine. This teaches you to disrespect your own internal landscape, to treat your own thoughts and feelings with suspicion.
Your Consent was treated as an afterthought. Purity culture is a primary example of this, where your body’s boundaries were decided for you. But it goes deeper. It’s the non-consensual imposition of values, like, in my experience, when a religious leader who says he’s “depositing theological insights into the bank of your mind” so you’ll see his way later. This isn’t a gift; it is an intellectual and spiritual trespass, communicating that your mind is a space to be colonized, not a sovereign territory to be cherished.
When you see the architecture of the harm so clearly, the confusing aftermath of leaving starts to make a startling amount of sense.
If you feel lost, anxious, or unable to make decisions: it makes sense.
It makes sense that you doubt your own goodness when you were told your agency was corrupt from birth.
It makes sense that you fear being “too much” or “not enough” when love was a reward for performance.
It makes sense that you dismiss your own intuition when your inner world was consistently shown disrespect.
It makes sense that you feel disconnected from your body and your “no” when your consent was treated as an afterthought.
You are not broken. You are a human being having a normal human reaction to a profoundly dehumanizing environment.
Your pain is a signal that your dignity was violated.
The journey forward isn’t about “fixing” your brokenness.
It’s about reclaiming the dignity that was always yours.
This untangling isn’t just an intellectual exercise.
Since the violation of your dignity taught you to disconnect from your body, the path home must lead you back into it.
A Gentle Embodiment Practice
I invite you to try this gentle practice, as an act of reclaiming your own physical space. As always, if it doesn’t feel safe yet to go here in your body, honor that. Consent is vital.
Pause for a moment. If it feels safe, allow your eyes to close or soften your gaze.
Place a hand over the center of your chest. Don’t press hard, just let its weight be known as a gesture of respect.
Take one slow, full breath. Feel your chest rise to meet your hand. As you exhale, imagine your shoulders dropping just a fraction.
Say these words, softly or just in your mind: “My body is my home. I have a right to be here.”
Take one more breath.
You have survived a system that attempted to compromise your inherent goodness. T
he journey back to yourself is a profound act of courage.
It is the ultimate reclamation of your dignity.
What is one small way you can honor your dignity today?
If today’s post resonated with you and you’re ready to go deeper, my Rediscovering Dignity eBook, is the perfect next step.
It’s a gentle, guided journey to help you feel safe in your body again. Delivered directly to your inbox.
It is included in the welcome email to all new subscribers as well as for free at the link below.
As a spiritual abuse survivor, I appreciate and resonate with this thoughtful breakdown. 💗 I’m still working on healing my self-respect and entitlement to my own decisions.
Great video! You have a wonderful speaking voice, and the content comes alive in a deeper way as you read it.