Beyond Words
Communicating Dignity through Presence and Compassion
Last week, I spoke with a colleague at the hospital. I had been paged in to meet with a person experiencing a crisis, and the feeling of loss was heavy in the hallways. Earlier that day, I had left and said goodbye to this peer, and when I saw them again, they were curious about why I had returned to work. I shared that a patient had received hard news and requested a chaplain.
As I shared about the situation, it was evident that the deeper need of this patient was just a space to process grief, loss, sorrow, and pain. This peer looked at me and asked, “What do you even do when you are at the bedside?”
I sat in the chair across from them and took a deep breath.
I reflected on a phrase I’ve picked up in chaplaincy. To be honest, I am not entirely sure who said it first. While there are book titles that play with the phrase, I apologize for not being able to properly cite them (if you know, please let me know). In the face of grief, loss, sorrow, and pain, the best thing we can offer each other is presence and compassion.
The phrase is counter-cultural and undoubtedly anti-productivity. It is this.
“Don’t just do something; sit there.”
In opposition to the industrial, “Don’t just sit there, do something!” Spiritual care in the space of crisis requires the hard-learned skill of not trying to jump in and fix everything. One of the hardest things I’ve learned from my first unit of Clinical Pastoral Education is the ability to hold space for the presented emotion and not try to fix it.
I can, unfortunately, write that I have seen my fair share of families who are experiencing crisis and loss. Often, I sit with a family member who has lost a loved one, and as the tears begin to flow, I am asked the question, “What am I supposed to do now?”
That question has a lot of different answers. Depending on the loss, there are steps we need to take for the patient, but for the family, I assure them there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Grief just is.
On the topic of grief, sometimes people think they should be “over” an experience far before their bodies are ready to be over it. According to counseling professionals, a recent loss can considered recent if it is anytime within the prior 24 months. For some, it can be longer. There is no right way to grieve.
While waiting for an update, I sat with a family member who said aloud, "Just need to keep it together.” I gently offered to them, “You know, you’ve got another 30+ minutes while your loved one is in imaging; you don’t have to keep it together now.” And they didn’t keep it together.
We want to fix it. It is the natural inclination of helping professions, whether in healthcare or spirituality. We want people to be and feel better, but often, it is because we are uncomfortable with our discomfort. Most of the time, I want to fix it because I don’t want to be in the uncomfortable emotions the other is experiencing. But what if we made space, learning to curb our discomfort, so we can allow others the chance to heal?
Don’t just do something; sit there. When I find myself in the midst of another person’s crisis, can I offer a non-anxious presence that invites peace into the room? When I find myself uncomfortable with another’s grief, can I make a note of that (to talk about later with my therapist) so I can hold space for another? Perhaps this is what Paul was getting at in “becoming all things to all people.” It is not that we revoke or adopt identities but that we learn about ourselves enough to hold space for the other.
What does it mean to hold space for the other? To offer a non-judgmental, non-anxious presence? It means that we don’t try to fix it. We sit. Sometimes, we sit in silence. We sit with a non-distracted presence. Present to the moment. Attuned to the emotion. Available to the spirit.
The balance of caring for others, in every context, is that we also need to care for ourselves. Finding ways of establishing rhythms of grace, restoration, and fulfillment is vital for longevity, whether we are a CEO, pastor, or chaplain. I challenge you with this: find one thing you can eliminate from your life that makes you anxious or uneasy AND try not to replace it with anything else.
So good! It’s so hard to not try to be the fixer but as you said hold space for the silence when needed and just be present. I pray I can be that, allowing Gods peaceful presence to minister.
AJ - this is so good and so true. Thank you for writing this.